Tag Archives: Freedom

Dies Irae

The post title is taken from my favorite part of the requiem mass, the Dies Irae which translates as “Day of wrath” and is based on a twelfth century poem by Thomas of Celano that details the Apocalypse.

Yesterday was a dies irae for me. I had a rather stark and sobering realization. My work situation has deteriorated to such a degree that I am angry and resentful about it. I realized this as I was reading about the launch of a new product yesterday and realized that I was getting angry with some of the reviews of the product for not hating it. I realized that I’ve moved from being a morbid spectator watching the disaster that is this work to actively wanting and rooting for the disaster to be ever worse. I haven’t moved so far as to actively take steps to move the disaster along. But still, for me, this was a very stark and sobering and not pleasant realization.

I am now nearly a month past when I had planned to leave. And I still lack a clear exit date due to a number of factors. I know it will be no later than the winter holidays. But that’s still well over two months away and this clearly indicates that my mental health is worse than I’d realized.

It is interesting though, as I’ve turned the past couple of months into a bit of an self-administered psychology test, trying to carefully watch and catalog all of the bad aspects of my work and understand their impact on me.

For instance, I have come to learn that feeling overwhelmed is a killer for me. It makes me the most stressed and angry and unpleasant the most quickly of any sort of stimulus.

Boredom is also a killer for me and is something that I’m struggling desperately with even as I write this. Once I drop below a certain level of engagement and activity it becomes nearly impossible for me to do anything, really. I just sit and get progressively more low energy and ultimately depressed. Indeed, I find serious boredom to be far more physically and mentally draining than being being overworked.

I’ve also come to realize how merely being in this office affects negative changes on me. I recently had several days off and as soon as I was back in the office, I could feel how unhappy, frustrated and stressed I was by simply sitting at my desk.

But, realizing on top of that all how truly angry I am is a new insight. And now that I’ve realized it, I think I understand why I feel that way. It’s the way in which I’ve been treated with little regard, belittled, humiliated, told constantly how I’m wrong, and generally made to feel that all problems are my fault.

I am very angry. I am very resentful. But I am this way because of my circumstances. And in the end, I am changing my circumstances. And when I do, I will drain off the poison and venom they have pumped into me here, find the me I love once again, and resolve to never let anyone do this to me ever again.

p.s. In a fitting “cherry on the top”, I find that due to unknown networking issues here at work, I can’t easily publish this post from my editor but have to copy/paste from my editor into my browser. As my mother would say, some days you just can’t win for losing.

If you support the Iranian protestors…

…then you just might be so very 2003. Which is to say you might a “neocon“. Or at least that’s the point that Daniel Finkelstein over at the Times of London made today in his very interesting take on what’s going on in Iran right now.

I find it an interesting and compelling argument myself. I am very open that I consider myself to be a classical liberal or sometimes I’ll say libertarian as that’s better known in the US (even if it’s not wholly accurate).

At the end of the day, I firmly believe that if people want to find the religion, lifestyle, sexual identity, and expression that is most genuine and authentic, it’s imperative that they be able to do so without overt or covert repression  from external institutions like governments and Churches. And so, in that regard, my politics are closely tied to the rest of me and my other beliefs.

We shouldn’t expect that the Iranians will replace their limited democracy with a truly liberal regime if this succeeds. But, one things is for sure, when you look at the pictures here you see the same brave hope for a better, freer future that you saw in Tiananmen in 1989, in eastern Europe and Russia in the early 1990’s and in Lebanon in 2005.

Here’s wishing them the best. Support your local Iranian protestor: Twitter information to enable the protestors to keep feeding information to the outside world.