As a bit of a balancing post to the past couple I had a realization last night that is actually an overall positive one.
Nearly two years, I wrote in Dies Irae about a particularly bad day at work, saying: “Yesterday was a dies irae for me. I had a rather stark and sobering realization. My work situation has deteriorated to such a degree that I am angry and resentful about it.”
I was unwinding and reflecting last night, starting to feel some relief from this recent bad work period (which, understand, will NEVER be as bad as that place was). As I was thinking, my thoughts turned to my old job and to the party that I particularly hold responsible for things being so bad I realized, “I’m not angry any more”.
Truthfully, it was a shock. I’ve not done “work” around draining the anger I felt about that all and towards him. It was rather like going to a closet you haven’t looked in for a while and suddenly finding something that you just expected to be there is gone.
To be clear, I still view my time at the end as bad and toxic. And I view that party as a morally loathsome individual. But I’ve moved far enough away from that place in my life and in my mind that there’s just no anger any more.
That’s actually a good feeling. I can’t say I miss that anger in the least. Indeed, in a way I feel like a weight is gone, that something that was just getting in the way has disappeared.