Look backward, look around, look forward


Unconnected, otherwise seemingly meaningless things coming together in a way that is meaningful. It’s another concept that, like τέλοϛ (telos), looks at the world of psychological meaning in a way separate (or even contrary) to general scientific models. It may not be scientifically true, but it can still be psychologically true. And the two need not be mutually exclusive.

I’ve had some synchronicity today. I know two people who have successfully survived similar life crises. One of them dutifully marks the anniversary of the event each year for the past five years and did so last week. The other, today, remarked how the anniversary came and went yesterday and she was so busy living life that she totally forgot about it.

One looking backwards to the event always. The other looking forwards past the event always.

And this all is synchronous with thinking about my blog and writing. For the past couple of weeks I’ve been feeling like it’s time for some changes here. I made some visual changes last week. And if you read closely, you can see that my Fear word meditation is a bit different. I’ve been feeling like moving past backwards looking postings (which also tend to be heavy, negative and not very happy) towards forward looking postings (which hopefully are lighter, positive, and more joyful).

When all you know of me is this blog, you don’t get the full measure of me. You don’t get the humor here, the mischievous side, the playful side, the loving side. There is in these posts very little of that glint that I get in my bright blue eyes when I’m at my best. When I am at my best, I’m coming to find, I am outwardly focused and like a sun: my positive energy feeds others and gives them joy and happiness (or so I’m told). And I know now that my past was an attempt to lock up that sun in a cave because its power and brilliance offended the god of my family. I’m learning more and more that it’s OK to let that sun shine freely, that the voices that told me to be ashamed of who I naturally am and what I am not only did me great harm, but their legacy deprives those I care about of the greatest gifts I have to offer.

I am still going through a lot of very deep work around what was done to me in my past. And I have questions about counseling being inherently so backwards looking. But I think that work is still necessary. But a little compartmentalization isn’t a bad thing necessarily. And I think I’m going to move that which is so backwards looking off here to make room for that which more looks around and forward.

A final piece of synchronicity. This week I have been going and recovering thoughtful fiction that I read my last year of college when I was thinking about being a writer. Indeed, during that time in my life, I thought of myself as a writer, poet, and artist. It would be a couple of years before the working world would finally extinguish that sense of myself. As I recover that sense of who I am, and those things that meant so much to me, I find a quote from one of those writers that inspired me is applicable to the thoughts in this posting. All the more powerful a synchronicity given I paused writing this post to have a talk with someone who was kind enough to give me some mentoring advice on writing.

James Joyce was a favorite of mine back in those writerly days. He, e.e. cummings, T.S. Eliot and Ezra Pound were all inspirations to me. How I wanted to be able to visit Shakespare and Company back in the day. In Ulysses, his novel about a young man’s search for his father (sound familiar?), adapted from Homer’s Odyssey, Joyce’s character Stephen Dedalus, the young man, remarks in chapter 2: History is a nightmare from which I am trying to awake.

I love history still. It is important. But it is time for me to awake from its nightmare and move forward living in the day world.

And in honor of that last, an appropriate piece for your listening pleasure J.S. Bach’s Cantata 140: Wachet auf, ruft uns die Stimme, BWV 140 (1731). A piece I discovered in music history class my senior year of college, who’s title translates as “Sleepers awake”.